“You without me is like Corn Flakes without the milk.”

Featuring some of the most laughable lyrics of all time (seriously), once again I must come clean about a song long since stashed in the back of my pop-culture closet: Oran “Juice” Jones’ “The Rain.”

Born Thomas Haynes in Houston, TX, Oran “Juice” Jones was the first R&B artist signed to the OBR Records imprint of Def Jam, home to hip-hop artists LL Cool J and Beastie Boys. Haynes’ stage moniker was reportedly a mixed homage to football hero O.J. Simpson (Orenthal James) and breakfast foods (hence the mentions of Corn Flakes and Trix in “The Rain”).

Best known for the spoken-word comeuppance that comprises the bulk of the song, “The Rain” reached #9 this very week in November 1986. Clearly I wasn’t the only one captivated by Jones’ somebody-done-somebody-wrong song (not quite R&B and not really rap). Was it the reference to Rambo? The $3700 lynx coat?

Refresh your memory of “The Rain”:

Flush with Musicland gift certificates post-Confirmation 22 years ago, “The Rain” was among the sizable stack of 45s I purchased the very next day. While many are now certified ’80s classics (Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” being one), Jones’ track seems a silly footnote. I guess I’m cold busted!

Though Jones would release three more albums, “The Rain” was his one and only hit. Listening to it today, was his subsequent dry spell surprising? Those Gucci handbags, blue diamonds, and yes, that thrice-mentioned lynx coat were likely pawned by the singer years ago.

If I’ve failed to persuade you otherwise, “The Rain” is available via iTunes, Amazon MP3.